you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
