I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
