This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize