Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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