he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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