Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
