I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
