my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
