There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
