we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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