i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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