to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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