I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
