Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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