i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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