Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
