The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
