Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
there's paper in my vomit.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
