We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
