Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
