my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
