my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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