The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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