i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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