I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
