3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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