That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
All the doctor said was why
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize