Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
