I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
