So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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