I think I won the penis lottery.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
