Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
