She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
