My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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