Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
