i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
