from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
