roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
