I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
