Dude my mom stole all your condoms
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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