While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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