Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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