I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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