woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
they're like a gay fantastic four
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
