Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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