I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can you repeat that, but with context?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
