im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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