Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
