Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
