omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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