There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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