Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
