Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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