he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize