Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
