Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
