I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
