he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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