I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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