glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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