I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
