I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
