You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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