I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
