he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
