Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
