chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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